this isn't a blog or a vlog, its a glog, which is basically a toilet clog that builds high enough to touch your anus and then you squeeze it back in

Traffic lights should have an extra color for where are you? Do you even know where you're going in life? Horse carriage lanes, air bags for the insane, and gps billboards, mexican truck play house hoarders, wrong way signs with no borders, get movin out the way bitch you're in two lanes, time share insurance policies, disposable convertible tops, no drifting between 6-10, ice cream trucks that drive next to you window to window freeway exchange, no texting while jiving, real time bumper sticker updates, atv dirt lanes, crash landing news copter traffic report inner dialogue over and out.

If you've ever found a finger in your soup thats like winning the lottery. If you've ever found a finger in your soup twice, you better buy a lottery ticket.

Every time I go on a reality show i'm always the first person to get voted out, its so embarrassing.

I've been saying I'm just getting started alot lately, but this time I mean it.

Can a stuffed animal save your spot in line on black friday? Find out next..

Sorry the bathroom in this scary torture chamber is for customers only

Oval Teen Hunger Force

In a chess stalemate, there is only 3 moves one can make and they all happen to be kamasutra moves also

1-800-talk to the hand

I wish big oil companies would spill orange koolaid mix instead, pfft way to go god

Mtv has a new show where the band gets to meet someone not famous, and apparently trust company really wants to meet me

I've been seeing alot of drivers hand signaling with their arms lately, think im gonna start doing it too, i've always wanted to get in on a cool fad from the beginning

My new ocd is combing my eye lashes

Its like if you tape a bunch of lotto scratch tickets to a cat pole then you win no matter what

my greatest fear is being left hanging on a fist bump on national television

Anytime i hear people at work laughing im like pfft i didnt even say anything


i don't care if they legalize all drugs i'm still gonna be shady as fuck

will bobsled for food

All christian rappers go to hell

Did you know corporations bid on news story commercial slots for specific stories months before those stories happen. Tonight's headline: some guy is taping his pubes to blurays and then returning them to redbox

Science log now: the morning after devouring a large quarter of blueberry pie my poop has a dark healthy looking hue, i think i can furtalize something scrumptious

I wanna do a series about working out when youre depressed as fuck

if i was james bond i'd just be like uhhhh give me some spiked punch, and just mix it in my mouth

The feng shui of this panic room is to die for

Sometimes im not sure if people dont get my jokes or if ive just become that crazy homeless dude at the bus stop trying to warn everyone about when america starts celebrating china's new years with department store sales

I wish all my dreams would come true, but the nightmares too, bring it vorhees

do to the graphic nature of your mom's face, viewer discretion is advised

I wish myth busters would solve whether or not bubble gum takes 7 years to digest

Lunch lady lives matter

Every city should have a spiritual crisis emergency vehicle siren macro phone system. Broadcast to all nearby phones: Attention drivers! Our messiah is about to show up in someone's dream, fuck out the way

Im too lazy to figure out the proper place to yelp this, but the new russell peters standup special on netflix is fucking garbage with laughs edited in. Im pretty sure the newest jim gaffigan was loaded with fake laughs too, and it also sucked herpe residue

there are plenty of ways you can do positive things in your community and not get caught

leg days (both of them). i usually eat salmon for dinner cause thats easiest to keep down while i'm jogging. i show up to the gym and swipe my membership card and have a terrifyingly awkward interaction with whoever is working the entrance, i swear it gets more awkward every single day. i get dressed then do my hair, having cool hair while working out is more important than when going out anywhere else. first i stretch, i find the most random spot and just sit on the floor like a kid in the grocery store and just start stretching. then i start off doing a mile on the tredmill which equals about half a mile in real life, i fucking hate running so much. then in any random order depending on what is available, i do leg lift thing, squat pump, ankle crushers, but i think i spend most of my time doing inner thigh crunches more than anything else. then usually before i'm done i take up as much weight lifting mirror space as possible and i extend one leg out like neo doing his kungfu kick pose and i just stand there like that until i know everyone has seen me. then i spend about another hour just hanging out in the locker room, mingling with strangers, maybe start a pick-up game of towel snaps. this is a day in my life.

Judgement holiday: i dispise most all of you and everyone on some level or another for reasons that flip in and out of itself. Most of you have never and will never protest anything or fight for anything. You think you're entitled to your nice lives but you havent earned it. You people live at the easy leasure and benefits of the hard work of the rest of the world and you contribute nothing back and have no interest to change anything besides your phones. Jesus aint coming back and we already know what plan B is but none of you are ready for it because you've already rendered yourselves useless in one way or another, eg. Having babies. If you really think you can change shit with good vibes and inner peace you're just lying to yourselves and opting out. If this offends you cause you're that oblivious that this construct of opinion exists well just hope thats all you have to worry about - sarah connor

2010 kids react to 9/11

I wish there was a pc way to tell this bitch ok listen, you are single handedly the ghetto factor in this work place.

i hate when people just assume that i like rocky horror picture show, thats like coming up to someone and saying "hey you're a fucking weirdo right?". no i never liked rocky horror, i think that movie is lame and annoying and i've never sat through the entire thing

You cant morse code breakup with someone, as if

As a worthy and honorary Tool fan, i totally hate tool fans to the max. Tool fans come in all kinds of stupid shapes and sizes, theres the retro-new age you dont know what you are but "tool makes me feel so spiritual, lets smoke this hooka". Theres the dudes who show up late to the show "i love how complex tool is, theyre way more complex than the other 5 bands that i listen to". Theres the people who will relate to just about anything "this song is about his mom, and i have a mom so i can totally relate". The wannabe intellectuals "wings for marie is about his mom, i read it on wikipedia". The easily amused "maynard is such a genius and i love singing along to all the big words and feeling like an intellectual but im not gonna actually spend my free time researching anything". Flat out lazees "its interpretive, it means whatever you think it means" no it isnt, tool just tells their fans that so all the people who arent smart enough to figure it out will still buy their albums. "What theres a story? Theres a puzzle? Wow tool is amazing, what you mean i have to actually read, research and spend time figuring it out, yea i dont buy into all that" i've literally got that exact response from a dozen people "but i'll spend 60 bucks on a tour tshirt". The musicians who think theyre above it and pretend to not like tool anymore but you know theyre going to secretly buy their new album when it comes out. The pretencious douchebags, for example that lame asshole manager i worked with at tacobell 10 years ago "i like to sit at home listening to tool and drinking wine" since when? A week ago when maynard announced he was making wine you fucking douchebag. And then theres the worst tool fan of all time, all of the above plus he spent 80 bucks on a tool long sleeve at a show that he didnt realize until he left that it was a small, chris scott is such a douchebag

when everyone complains that everything is just a reboot but then they fail to see anything amazing that is beyond them. choke on a member berry flavoured condom

Oh you wanna hear about a time i went above and beyond to help a customer? Well if you refer to page 783 of the third edition of my auto biography, you will be in for quite a treat

If i had a million dollars i would buy a bunch of burner phones and serial text every phone number that exists, forcing everyone to subscribe to every dumb thing i feel like saying.

You know how many calories you burn everytime you take a shit? 1 calories

I call this one "trapped within a paradigm of parallelograms"

Hanging for my life from the edge of a cliff is just part of my workout routine

In soviet russia, drugs do you

support your local tamale cart lady

Soap dispenser at bosa donuts. Use at own risk

no running with giant grand opening event ribbon cutting sizzors

I wish doritos had a family reunion size bag

Today for the first time i over heard the word cucaracha come into play in a real life spanish conversation, its all coming full circle

its been my life long dream to open up my own mexican wrestling themed pancake house, i am now 35 cents closer to this happening, thanks whoever dropped this

battle of the one man bands

All the time